Popping the Big Question
Popping the Big Question
Am I built for this? Or: Talking about the things I gain and lose by choosing the life of being a writer, writing as meaningful labor, and sharing what I did this past Labor Day weekend.
I have a lot of doubts about the institution and tradition of marriage, one of them being the extremely boring, frankly unnecessary aspect of signing a legal contract to signify your relationship in front of the “state.” Another one has to do with how married couples (particularly in the U.S.) often reproduce traditional gender roles and fall back on nuclear family structures due to societal pressures, no matter how hard they fight for the opposite. And that scares me.
I want something different for myself.
But I’m a hopeless romantic so I do dream and think about marriage, I love attending weddings, and I do fawn over fictional characters whose storylines include both. Even the extremely domestic, traditional depictions. If I am to ever get married in real life one day though, I’d want to thoroughly discuss the weight of that commitment with my partner. I’d honestly ask myself whether I’d even be built for it.
(I’m a Pisces Venus…do what you will with that information).
I view writing a lot like how I view marriage. I’m constantly asking myself: Would I be built for this? Especially at the beginning of this new journey launching this newsletter, where the goal is to learn to keep writing and regularly share my writing. Really with any project, goal, or relationship, it’s important, I think, for there to be periodic checkpoints. So here at Transcendent’s beginning, I’m asking:
What or who am I writing for?
Why am I writing?
Most importantly —
Is this path, of a writer, one I am willing to tread?
A consistent writing practice means I’m essentially assigning myself homework every week. Which on top of a day job, is really hard to balance. Writing is also a lonely, individualistic endeavor. I’m often alone in my room, having not spoken to anyone for hours, just tapping away at my computer or writing in a notebook. Where people my age are out in the streets enjoying their youth, I’m toiling away at characters, spaces, and sentences. Writing, unfortunately for me, is terribly unromantic.
Like right now, I’m sitting here at 11 pm at night with no makeup on, having not yet showered, coming down from a week of healing from intense food poisoning acid reflux/heartburn, and staring at my laptop until my retinas fall off. Writing is also described as an introvert’s dream. 99% of my work will likely never be read by anyone but me, regardless if I share it or not. Writers also don’t get paid all that much, whether you’re in publishing, journalism, entertainment, or any field. This doesn’t bode well for me, because I’m mostly extroverted! I thrive off of social connections and collaborating with others. I’m also terribly vain; I want to be read! I also like getting paid! Have I, then, chosen wrongly? Am I pursuing a fool’s art?
A lot of writers will say it’s out of their control, that they’re called to write, that it’s the easiest way to express themselves. I can relate a lot to this line of thinking. The many times I’ve stumbled upon my words or said the wrong thing out loud, I’ve wished for the safety and surety of the written word. It helps that I can edit myself as I write. But the older I’ve gotten, the writing has only gotten increasingly harder. I find it more and more difficult to find the right words to explain what I mean. I can write pages and pages of words one day and the next day I’ll approach a blank page and it’s like the ability to write has left me. Words…who? Sorry, I’ve forgotten how to write! I know it likely just means I’m leveling up in skill or encountering writer’s block, but it doesn’t feel like it. If anything, writing feels Sisyphean.
Writing is not a sport. There’s no final destination you’ll reach or championship you’ll win. The goalpost is always moving; there’s always a new challenge. This keeps writing fun and interesting for sure, but it also means I’m constantly struggling.
Do I really want to take up this labor and engage in a writer’s struggle on top of everything else about life that’s hard? I mean my buddy Franz Kafka here can attest to how tough writing is:
I stumbled upon this tweet earlier today:
As much as I groan about writing, I truly do love it. In fact, when I’m not writing, I feel slightly nauseous, sick even. Something about writing always pulls me back in. A constant push and pull. It’s like the terrible ex all your friends keep telling you not to get back with, but you can’t help but love. (Not that I’d know anything about that lol).
I usually need to sit down and get a running start to get into the flow, but girl, once I get a clearer picture of what I’m trying to say and when I’m in the flow…my fingers are flying across that keyboard. The words are spitting. The sentences are dripping. What seems like the hard job of wrangling my awkward word choices becomes the difficult task of editing and editing a sentence or paragraph until it gets closer and closer to how I think and imagine in my head. I truly believe that sometimes you have to write the wrong thing to finally write the right thing.
When the words all click together and the meaning finally feels true, the result is pure satisfaction.
It doesn’t matter that there is typically no material reward for having written. To be read is enough. It doesn’t matter that no one will read my words. I am my first and best reader.
I believe I can have a marriage that’s different from the norm. The strings that come attached to marriage don’t have to be inevitable and definitory. Marriage requires work as they all say. And work can be imaginative.
In the same way, being a writer and writing doesn’t have to be hard. It will be difficult, but thinking about how writing can be different, I’m willing to ask myself: Can I imagine a different life for myself as a writer, where it's not so lonesome? Where I’m not always fearing how my writing is perceived? Where I’m not so antagonistic with the page? Where I can be prolific, but not churn out writing like it’s content to be consumed? Where it can sustain me, creatively and even financially?
I’m still figuring all of that out. Good thing, then, that to me they’re worth the effort.
Labor Day Weekend Dispatch 📢:
Got my steps in, cut my hair, tried on clothes, spent time with family, and rested in bed. Super crazy weekend, as you can see.
I also went to Dragon Con and met Eliza Taylor and Bob Morley, the lead actors from the CW show The 100. Their ship name in the show is Bellarke and their ship name as a real-life couple is Beliza. The whole photo-op experience felt like I had blinked and it was over. Key detail: They smelled really good! They’re also both so tall (and taller than me even with my boots)! I also wished I had worn my glasses while waiting for them so I could’ve seen their faces a little more clearly before panicking and leaving to go to the back of the line. But alas, the photo in the end is what matters. They were gung-ho for this pose, which I was really grateful for. How cute are we? I’m so framing this.
What I’m Enjoying ✨
Reading Recs 📖:
The ‘Fraud’ Review: How Zadie Smith Lost Her Teeth (Vulture)
This razor-sharp review, written by Pulitzer-award-winning book critic Andrea Long Chu, cuts deep into internationally renowned and Orange Prize-winning author Zadie Smith’s recently released novel The Fraud. I’ve not read any of Smith’s books yet but Chu’s negative review has now made me now want to read her latest book as well as her debut White Teeth. Chu’s reviews have garnered their own polarizing reviews and I can see why. I admire Chu’s brutal, refreshing honesty, even if I may not always agree. The review raises some thought-provoking ideas about the evolution of one’s writing (and politics) over the course of one’s career and how both can become defanged and less radical as one becomes more successful and therefore subsumed into the mainstream. The review also highlights the discourse about who gets deemed talented, intelligent, beautiful, and “diverse” enough and therefore receive huge success in the publishing industry (coincidentally, something the book Yellowface by R.F. Kuang unpacks). I ate the whole review up tbh. Read it if you want the hot tea.
Listening to Taylor Swift in Jail (The New Yorker)
This essay has been trending like wildfire the past week and for good reason. A man is locked up on a murder charge and comes upon Taylor Swift’s music while serving time. "When I listened to her music, I felt that I was still part of the world I had left behind," said lifer Joe Garcia. I found it really hard and emotional to read. To me, the article is less in praise of Taylor Swift and her music than it is a persuasive and incisive indictment of the prison/carceral system. If there’s anything you should read this weekend, read this.
The Critics Are Wrong About ‘Past Lives’ (Art Review)
If you read the inaugural issue of Transcendent, you likely know that Past Lives is one of my most highly anticipated films. The film has been out for a few months now but I’ve yet to find a chance to watch it in theaters or online. The trailers really sell the romantic notion of 인연 in-yeon that is present in the movie, which is the idea of ties between two people over the course of their lives. I was thoroughly convinced by the soft music and the even softer acting teased in the trailers, as well as all the effusive, nearly universal praise the film and everyone involved have been receiving. That being said, while I think I will personally like Past Lives a lot, I do find dissenting reviews contrary to the popular opinion super interesting to read. This negative review in particular makes a lot of good points about where Asian American storytelling is currently at in regards to the larger media representation conversation. I hope you consider its arguments!
Book Publishing’s Broken Blurb System (Esquire)
Esquire honestly has been popping off with their book coverage the past year and I’m sure that has a lot to do with its editor Adrienne Westenfeld. The outlet published another great piece, this time breaking down the publishing world’s business practice of requesting blurbs to help promote books. Blurbs are the quotes you see on the front or back of a book where an author, influencer, or bookseller raves about another author’s work. It’s an old advertising trick for selling books, but is it still relevant in our current day? Especially with the rise of BookTok and word-of-mouth landing books on bestseller lists, I’m not sure blurbs are a useful practice anymore. The article also considers how excruciatingly awkward the process of requesting blurbs from other authors is — and how it reinforces high school clique vibes. Read up for a deep dive into the world of book blurbs.
Watching Recs 📺:
Moving (2023)
Imagine a superhero show with the plot of The Incredibles, with the melodrama and slice of life of the best KDrama romance you’ve ever watched, packaged as a Disney+/Hulu Marvel-esque show. That’s Moving (2023) for you. I’m genuinely hooked on this show; I haven’t been able to think about anything else the past week. The characters are extremely compelling, partly due to the actors and partly due to the writing. We have a variety of romance pairings from sweet high school teenage love, to secret agents falling in love despite the external forces pulling them apart, and an ordinary woman with a gruff personality loving an invincible man who can’t be killed with a soft and romantic inner belly. The first seven episodes take place in the present day with the high school kids as main characters who have superpowers navigating their last semester of senior year. At the same time, a Korean American hitman sent by the U.S. government starts tracking down the older generation of parents (also supers) who used to all work for a national secret agency and killing them off one by one. The next seven episodes then pull us back to the past where we get to witness how the older generation of parents met, fell in love, and started their families, all while working for (and being taken advantage of by) a secret agency. In my opinion, while I really liked the kids’ arc, I LOVED the parents’ arc. The circular narratives, the callbacks to previous scenes, the propulsive pacing, the same character quirks appearing in both the parents and kids, the chemistry, the dramatic irony (and resulting angst) because you know how everything is going to turn out! The story is seriously muwah [chef kisses], so addicting! The last six episodes bring us back to the present where we’re teased with the possibility of the kids and the parents coming together to fight the bad guys and finally take them down once and for all. The show’s about family, humanity, and love. I feel like if this drama had been on Netflix, it would’ve blown up to Squid Game levels tbh. But because it’s airing on Disney+/Hulu, it’s a little bit more under the radar. I can’t wait to keep watching! [Content warnings for heavy cursing & explicit, like explicit violence]
Business Proposal (2022)
I feel like I’m watching this drama with slightly too high expectations, as I am coming off the high of having finished King the Land (2023) a few weeks ago, which is excellent. Business Proposal is about a lower-income girl getting roped into a scheme of fake-marrying a rich chaebol heir who also happens to be her boss (who doesn’t know he’s her boss). Cue identity mishaps, fake dating, and slow-burn romance! The overall show leans more on the comedy side than the romance, but I’m only like 3-4 episodes in so it’s still too early to tell. The writing attempts to be funny, cheeky, and witty all at once, but the execution is so-so in my opinion. So far, I’m not really convinced or hooked by the main couple’s chemistry. However, I am really intrigued by the supporting couple, whom we’ve unfortunately barely seen together in the drama yet. I’ve been told the supporting couple is the more popular ship in the fandom and in KDrama circles. I’m trying my very best to be patient and hold out for the supporting couple’s scenes, but I don’t know if I have the patience…I do hope the main couple turns around for me because they take up the most amount of screen time!
Jihyo’s I Live Alone variety episode (2023)
When I’m struggling to get in the zone and work, I often require some sort of body doubling, which is a productivity strategy where I do a task in the presence of another person. It helps me to start and complete projects that I’ve been avoiding. This has resulted in me frequently Zooming or video-chatting my friends where we work while having each other’s camera box in the corner of our screens. But when my friends aren’t available, I resort to watching vlogs of other people doing work to get me motivated and buckle down. Lately, I’ve been enjoying watching the Korean variety show I Live Alone, where we get to see inside the homes of our favorite Korean stars and idols and watch them go about their schedule on a “day off.” I love Jihyo’s (leader of girl group Twice) episode a lot because you can see how disciplined and self-sufficient she is. Her best quality though? She always finishes what she starts. (Maybe I’m becoming a Twice stan?)
Listening Recs 🎧: Another playlist for you to jam out to this weekend! Includes a healthy dosage of Ariana Grande, Mark Tuan, and Queen Beyoncé (cause it was her birthday this past week 🐝).
Please look forward to the next few weeks as I finally talk about in my next issue The SubjectTM I’ve been avoiding for the longest: ~the novel I’ve been working on~. I also have cool interviews with some writers coming soon down the pipeline! To be sure you don’t miss anything, subscribe to this newsletter to get all upcoming issues directly in your email inbox.
Have a lovely rest of your weekend! Do one nice thing for yourself that you’ve been putting off (:
Sincerely,
Teresa
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